When I first began my research and examination of women on corporate boards of directors, I discussed the subject with some women in business colleagues. I distinctly remember that dinner conversation.

“When you interview those women on boards, you be sure to ask them about how they sacrificed their time with their children,” said one of the younger members of the group – who was not even married or had children.

An older member of the group echoed her thoughts and added emphatically from her own experience:

“Yeah, you ask them about the guilt they felt from their child when they had to work late. I can’t stand it when my daughter makes me feel that way.”

Sacrifice? Guilt? Did I really want to probe into the personal lives and choices of women business professionals with these presumptions? Did I want to play Dr. Phil with them? Or Geraldo Rivera or Oprah Winfrey? Would I really want any researcher to bring those presumptions into a conversation with me about my career choices? What right would they have to ask such questions? What would be the benefit or lessons to be learned?

I felt then, as now, that such questions merely project onto the recipient the preconceived notions of the individual asking the question.

“Your guilt is your problem,” I felt like telling my women in business colleagues. “You’re looking at the women directors through a biased lens, not on their terms.”

A business associate told me once about the fact that her previous marriage repeatedly was written up in current biographies of her business accomplishments. Another woman described how the press referred to her as “the current wife” of her husband, as if to suggest there were a host of predecessors or even others that might follow.

“What’s the purpose in reporting that?” she asked. Indeed, what was the real purpose? It was to place doubt in the minds of the reader. Doubt, guilt, sacrifices made or not made. The perfect soap opera script. Or the perfect Vogue or Cosmo article. Gossip. Rumors.

I felt then, as I do now, like telling my colleagues, “Grow up! Put away those little girl fairy tales. It’s time to look at today’s women in business as the leaders they are. Look at them through the perspective of 21st century realities.”

Just to satisfy the lusty inquiries of my women in business colleagues, I didn’t ask the women directors about their families but I did let them inform me as they chose.

One woman described her two adult daughters (now in their late 40s) as “terrific women” who joined her when she was recently honored with a professional lifetime achievement award.

Another woman who had two boys late in her career mentioned that the youngest confided to her that he wanted to be a CEO, just like she was, IF boys were allowed to be CEOs too.

One woman gave birth to her first daughter just as she was taking over as head of a technology firm on the brink of bankruptcy, then let it (with two children) successfully for the next thirty years and sold it for $245 million.

A woman took another company public just about the time her first child was born.

Another took time off to adopt a Russian daughter, and then returned to start a new venture that would revolutionize personal communications.

A woman adopted two boys from war-torn Lebanon, home of her parent’s ancestry; funded a scholarship in their name; and partnered with an associate to form an independent film distribution company.

One woman heads the private investment arm of a major securities advisory firm and has a family of five children from her husband’s previous marriage.

Some women cared for ill spouses during both brief and long-term illnesses. Some women chose to exit marriages: for their own reasons. Many re-married; some may not have done so. A few did not marry.

In short, there is as much variety in the choices made by women directors as there are choices made by women in society as a whole. Their personal lives undoubtedly contributed to what they did and who they became. These women did not allow those personal facts to define them. The women did not, as individuals, allow their personal choices to limit or constrain them. They most certainly did not make personal choices based on guilt, sacrifice, or doubt. They made choices that enabled them to rise to their current positions of influence.

And that is why they are leaders.